DOJ Identifies Additional Domestic Terror Threats (Satire!)

(Fake News Network) Washington, DC - Attorney General Merrick Garland announced Tuesday that he has issued a memorandum to the FBI directing them to coordinate with local officials regarding investigation, threat assessment, and suppression of a newly identified potential domestic terrorist threat – soccer moms. According to Garland, “… our department, under the leadership of President Joe Biden, has definitively established that words are a form of violence” and “we have become aware of an increasing number of hateful incidents that occur nationwide every weekend on the sidelines of our nation’s sports facilities.”

The FBI has established a new task force, the Soccer Mom Investigation & Reduction Forces (SMIRFs), that includes both senior department leadership here in Washington, and local investigators in suburban neighborhoods throughout the United States. According to unnamed sources within the task force, preliminary undercover investigations this past weekend revealed that this problem is real, and it’s growing. Our source, who declined to be identified, provided a sampling of evidence collected during the task force’s initial weekend of operation:

- “Nail her Brittany, nail her!”

- “Take him out, Jimmy, you own him!”

- “Get her, Heather, take her down!”

- “Push ‘em back, Sparkle Unicorns, push ‘em back!”

Much of the vitriol was directed at referees, which the task force believes demonstrates that these soccer moms have no respect for authority and may become a larger threat to our society if left unaddressed. In addition, many comments that were aimed at the officials may be violations of the Americans with Disabilities Act, which makes it illegal to discriminate against those who are disabled:

- “Open your eyes, ref, are you blind?”

- “Put on your damned glasses, ref!”

- “Are you sleepwalking’ out there, ref? Come on, blow your damn whistle!”

Congresswoman Misty Meanor (D-LA), who sits on the Homeland Security Oversight Committee has scheduled hearings for early November. “We take this matter very seriously. We need to look at this issue very carefully,” she said, “and try to address the root causes of this violence before it gets out of hand. There are elements of violence, hatred, and discrimination that requires a firm response from the federal government.”

When asked to comment on this issue, as he made his way from Marine-1 to the Whitehouse, President Biden also expressed concern. “Come on, man!”, he said, “You know, back when… these moms just… this issue was really… I have great… you know, your hair smells really nice… can I…”, before his handlers eventually shuffled him away.

We will be following these events closely over the coming months, as this investigation unfolds.